The Stones

Three Stones of Remembrance (they are more like pebbles, but hey, faith has to start somewhere):

1. I asked God to help me remember a topic I needed to bring up in a conversation. I remembered it the night before, but for the life of me I could not recall what it was. So I just asked, "God please bring to memory anything else you would have me say." Less than 3 minutes later, Dawn called me - she was calling about something completely different, but the first thing that popped out of my mouth was what I had forgotten! I asked Dawn to pray about the specific thing I forgot and she never even knew I was failing to remember anything! What amazing timing on God's part and an answer to a small, but important prayer.

2. Last night at lighthouse, I was praying for someone specifically and I prayed exactly what God wanted her to hear, inadvertently of course. "Restore unto her the joy of her salvation." When I heard the words come out of my mouth, I was blown away because I knew that I didn't think of that. I believe God was also saying something else through my prayer that didn't quite come out, so later on while in the shower (tee-hee) it came in loud and clear, "Rejoice! For the steps of a righteous man are ordered by God." Maybe it was old school hymn night for God, but to me it was complete revelation.

3. This morning is my last day of work before I start school next week. I went to log-in to my computer and I could not remember my user ID, which is a series of 8 numbers. I've had to type it in for the past 6 months and it flustered me that I forgot it on my last day. I was feeling embarrassed and stressed, not to mention I was on my third log-in try. So I asked God to log-in for me, something I would not have done in a million years, but I feel these types of prayers coming more easily to me lately. WHAT DO YOU KNOW - the next log-in, which trust me, could not have been the correct numbers, worked!

I feel like the past year has been a time of revelation where God has been illuminating to me the fears and obstacles that keep me from getting closer to Him. I've been wrestling with why I am like I am and why I react as I do. God has shown me a little bit of how I ended up who I am today. I can name the fears I have and I can identify them when they are ruling my actions, thoughts and words. Like the fear of rejection, the burden of guilt, perfectionism and control, my desperate attempt to "start my life," doubting my qualifications, struggles with being genuine, fear of honesty, harboring unforgiveness, disillusion with church, jealousy, fear of failure and disappointment, isolation from my family, dealing with uncertainty, failure to trust in God, wrestling with insecurities and acceptance.

However, it has increasingly become clear that identifying these issues is only half the battle. Often I feel I can rest in knowing the answers behind who I am – however, God is calling me to be more like HIM. I would rather not stop half way. Over the last year, God has been chipping away at some of these issues and showing me what it is like to have Him as a partner in defeating these obstacles. Like my stones of remembrance above, they are not huge enlightening moments, it is the realization that God is with me, speaks to me and loves me dearly. God doesn’t want me to try to eradicate these “sins” or fears from my life. The reasons they are built in me were out of my control and to try to control them now would be futile.

As a friend of mine explained, God used David to defeat the Giant. The weapon David used was a small smooth stone and a slingshot because he knew God was fighting the battle and wanted God to receive the glory. When Jessica fights the battle she comes in with a bazooka to win. But instead ends up taking twenty shots and eventually injures herself. She looses the battle and no one gets the glory. Like I said before, God doesn’t want me to fight this LONG list of ungodliness - it would take years of battle with myself. Instead God wants to use small stones (of remembrance) to remove those fears and to teach me to rely on Him to bring me closer.

Reliance on God and giving up control is incredibly difficult, but He is moving me into a place where it is less about self discovery and more about God discovery. My only action step is to find out who God really is and I know He will take care of the rest.