The Dissapointed Father

To know God is to love Him, and to truly love God we need to see clearly who He actually is and not who our preconceived ideas lead us to believe He is.

When Jesus came to the region of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, "Who do people say the Son of Man is?" They replied, "Some say John the Baptist; others say Elijah; and still others, Jeremiah or one of the prophets." "But what about you?" he asked. "Who do you say I am?" Simon Peter answered, "You are the Christ, the Son of the living God." (Matt 16:13-16)

So, who do you say the Son of Man is?

To me, God is the disappointed father. He is never truly angry with me, even with my most vile of sins; instead He is simply disappointed with my decisions. He knows He’s created me for more than this and my current (fill-in-the-blank: job, friends, situation) are obviously not enough.

How did I come to view God as hugely disappointed with me? I believe it came in pieces from my own father. My dad is very loving and merciful and is rarely angry with anyone, however, I spent (and spend) the majority of my time trying not to disappoint him. Because my own father imparted so much love to me as a child, told me I could change the world and after each mess-up he would bestow his grace to me once again, I internalized the guilt I felt for falling short of who I thought I should be for him (even though he doesn’t want anything other than for me to be happy). This “falling short,” that I was never duly punished for, became a guilt that I constantly carry. It leads me to try to not let anyone down to the point of perfection. It leads me to doubt my own decisions and ideas, causes me to have a hard time turning anyone away and makes me feel like I am never enough.

In the same way, God continues to love me despite my sin and offers me grace instead of the punishment I deserve. Accepting this without feeling guilty is a battle I continue to fight within myself. He’s created me to be someone great but His idea of great is not my idea of great. I must remember that my purpose is to love Him. We all fall short, we all sin and no matter how hard I try I will never lead a perfect life. However, God offers me the opportunity to partner with Him to be what He has created me to be instead of doing it all myself (unsuccessfully). I am learning to trust that God is ultimately not disappointed with me – it’s hard to trust, though, when you’ve felt unworthy for so long. But step by step, God proves His faithfulness to me. This helps me to trust that my own dad would do whatever he could to help me fulfill my happiness and partnering with him in that is more important that trying to prove that I can do it on my own.

Once we open our eyes to who God truly is, we can slowly shed our warped view of who we thought He was, then we can see clearly who we are made to be.